I’M NOT VERY GOOD AT BEING FORGIVEN
No, you didn’t read that wrong. I’m good at forgiving, I’m just not very good at being forgiven.
I typically post stories about the funny and ridiculous things that happen in my life, peppered with a few pieces of sentimentality. Today is a bit different.
As someone who spent the majority of her life in emotionally and verbally abusive relationships, I have a big no-no when it comes to what I now expect from others. Unkind and intentionally cruel words will not be tolerated.
I broke my own rule.
I lost my sh*t and had an imperfectly human moment. Clearly, not my finest hour.
I could begin to tell you that stress, lack of sleep, kids or even dogs turd-bombing the house (or any combination of any of these things) led to my transgression. But let’s be real…those are all excuses and justifications for behavior and that’s not what this post is about.
My offended has forgiven me – gracefully – and yet, I do not feel forgiven. Is it because I feel the forgiveness disingenuous? Not in the least.
I’m having a hard time forgiving myself.
Why on earth would I mention any of this to you? You might be reading this thinking “wow, what a hypocrite!! This lady is making jewelry with positive affirmations about tasting your words before spitting them out and loving more…..and.” I get it. Believe me when I tell you that the irony is bitterly tangible. Also believe me when I say that those words I hammer out in the dungeon? They’re not only meant as inspiration to others, but are clearly therapy for myself.
I suppose I could attempt the façade of a perfect life and a perfect me, but that doesn’t help anyone…least of all me. Besides, I’ve already written stories about pretending to be Catwoman in fuzzy pajamas and getting stranded on the toilet in the middle of the night…so, the jig is pretty much up.
My heart and my mind are consumed by feelings of shame, embarrassment, guilt and flat out…..why? Not only why I did it, but why can’t I accept forgiveness?
I took a long time to begin to heal myself after I was no longer in an abusive situation….time to recognize and acknowledge my self-worth, and also my worthiness of love and for being loved. I’ve been in such a good place for such a long time that I naively believed my problems had been solved.
Day to day life can be so busy that one often forgets to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. The busyness of our lives can lead us to dull our awareness of it and can lead to a life lived on auto-pilot. We tend to spend a lot of time striving to make the lives of those around us better, and a lot of times we forget to take the time to make ourselves better. We forget that in order to grow as individuals, we need to keep working at it. I need to be better, because the way I reacted in this situation says a whole lot about me, and I don’t like what I’m hearing.
What I am hearing is that I still don’t feel worthy.
Sometimes the universe slaps you in the face with a “wake up, dummy!” However, it is upon us to decide what to do with said slap.
We can either decide to stay in a personal holding pattern and suffer (and make those around us suffer as well), or recognize the continued need to travel onward and upward, full speed ahead…..smelling the roses, all the way.
I have gratitude for the journey.
Peace, love & blessings to all….